If It Were BG Instead of DG
by Alisha Ashton
Summary: A multi-part series exploring the hilarity of my 'if that were ME' declarations while watching Tin Man. A very different path would have been taken if it were BG BadGirl instead of DG...


I'm one of those people who narrates movies as I watch them, giving my two cents on every scene. I have a horrible ability to know the entire plot line within two minutes of a film/show which is why I generally don't watch either.

You know my type. You turn on the movie, settle in, but within the first scene we turn to you and say, "He's the bad guy. He murdered the main character's father and is going to turn on him" or "she's really doing it but she doesn't know cuz she's nuts".

That's right. _That's **me**_. Ha-ha

So during the 6 hours of Tin Man (not on the first viewing, mind you - as I was like this: o-O the entire time LOL) my narrations and declarations of "if that were me" made the second and third viewings far more entertaining for those sitting through it with me.

I felt the need to share the hilarity. This is a look into my mind, a step by step "if-analysis"...

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Tin Man Version 2:

**_If it were BG (BadGirl) instead of DG_**

**Part 1**

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**Scenario:** BG wakes up and looks out window to find a cyclone bearing down on the house.

**Difference:** BG does not wear _pajamas_. And BG would say "_Screw_ clothes! That's a CYCLONE!!"

BG races down the stairs in search of her parents and ready to high-tail it to safety while still stark naked. Sees father hunched over in pain, exclaims "Dad!" and instead of the Long-Coats grabbing her they are instead stuck staring in wide-eyed surprise.

Long-Coats: o-O

This change allows BG and parents ample time to escape out the FRONT DOOR.

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Alright, but I'll go with it…if I _were_ clothed, and raced down said stairs, and the Long-Coats grabbed me _AND_ we had to run back upstairs…..

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**Scenario: **BG's parents start to climb out the window toward the storm.

**Difference:** BG would have most definitely taken her chances with the Long-Coats.

Men are easy enough to handle – at least with them you know what to expect…Mother Nature, on the other hand, is a _supreme_ bitch and not one I ever intend on going up against.

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**Scenario: **By some miracle BG's parents _did_ convince her to climb out onto the roof with them.

**Difference:**

**_Dad:_** "We have to go, BG…the Long-Coats are after _you_!"

**_BG:_** "What? _Why_?"

**_Mom:_** "Because it's _time_!"

_**BG: **o-0 "__Are you two off your fucking **MEDS** or something??" _

_BG's parents try to hoist her up to toss her into the cyclone. _

_An all-out **brawl** ensues on the rooftop_.

Look, parents or not, if somebody tries to chuck **_my_** happy little ass into a _TWISTER_ we're throwing down.

_BG and parents fist fighting, Long-Coats are staring in wide-eyed shock (O-O again) and are so stunned that they halt their pursuit...but the travel storm sucks everyone up anyway_.

Since we are beating the living **crap** out of each other when the storm picks us up we will land _together_ in the OZ, likely still fighting, thus eliminating the entire 'searching for parents' portion of the series.

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But _fine_, I'll allow it for hilarity's sake…

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**Scenario:** BG awakes alone in a strange world with twin suns and is surrounded by the tiny-terrors aka the Guild Fighters.

**Difference: **Alright, pause this.

Looonnngggg before any traps are sprung BG would have been beating some _serious_ munchkin ass.

I swear to you, right here, right now, if I was about to be attacked by painted up mighty-munchkins in feathers I would start punting those little bastards like I was going for a field goal.

As for the munchkins on ropes…

Can you say: **_Piñata_**?

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**Scenario: **BG is trapped, taken to the Guild Fighters base and hoisted up in a cage. Meets Glitch.

**Difference: **_o-0_ You are _joking_, right?

Glitch says, "Let me down from here and we'll see who has the last laugh." Proceeds to give creepy giggle.

BG's brow arches severely.

"_Yeah_, that's _not_ gonna happen. Would you look at yourself? You're all made up like some **_Michael Jackson_** impersonator and a village full of...**_child-like_**...people needed to put you in a **_cage_**. You can stay right there, pal...I'm gonna guess they tied you up for a good reason."

BG escapes but leaves Glitch behind because he looks as suspicious as Jack-o giving a Boy Scout troop the grand tour of Neverland Ranch.

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**But alright, alright...I'll bring him with me...**

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**Scenario: **BG is walking down the road (leaving ample space between herself and Glitch and still wondering why she untied him, mind you) and hears screams up ahead, goes to investigate.

**Difference:** There'd be no _stick_ for BG.

A group of those Leather-clad soldiers are attacking innocent people? And the father looks like he's capable of fighting back if given a chance to break free?

_(cue BadGirl theme song - which is actually just the original Batman TV show song with the lyrics changed to nana nana nana nana, nana nana nana nana BADGIRL!) _LOL

Clothes are shed faster than a speeding bullet.

Glitch very promptly faints.

BG saunters toward soldiers, whistling and cat-calling wearing nothing but a smile...after a minute she arches a brow and harrumphs, crossing her arms over her chest, not needing to disturb the scene to know something is amiss.

"Glitch, wake your tranny ass up...this is a hologram or something - a **_real_** soldier can sense a naked woman within a three mile radius." BG says as she hauls him to his feet, supporting him as he nearly faints a second time focusing on her naked, tattooed form. "Snap out of it, buddy. Unless I've totally misread something here, I'm **_not_** your type."

Glitch sways on his feet until she is clothed again, and then proceeds to explain the holographic device to her.

**BG:** "But why would they leaving it playing over and over…if there was no one here to _watch_?"

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**Scenario: **BG spots the iron suit and approaches it cautiously.

**Difference:** PAUSE!

Alright, look…call me a realist but if I spotted a man sized _torture_ device which looked that _aged_ I wouldn't have gone over to it.

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**Scenario:** BG knocks on suit….knock is repeated from the inside…

**Difference: **BG climbs **OVER** Glitch to get away from the suit, leaves without any further investigation.

My personal diagnosis of the situation would be this:

Whatever is in there is gonna be loony-tunes, coo-coo-for-cocoa-puffs and **HUNGRY**…I would have to go ahead and pass on freeing the cannibal-in-a-box.

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**Alright my fellow Cain addicts, I know, I know that would have sucked _royally_….but the first time I saw the series that was my reaction. For yumminess' sake I am going to proceed as if I wouldn't have been concerned with this turning into a scene from Ravenous instead of Tin Man…**

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**Scenario: **BG opens suit, Cain falls out all icky…he stumbles to holographic device and utters "I'm gonna _kill_ him."

**Difference: **BG catches Glitch by surprise and sweeps his legs out from beneath him, knocks him to the ground to give Cain an easy meal and _hauls ass_ out of there.

LOL **_What_**?? Don't look at me like that! I just let the **_cannibal_** out of the box and now he's over there talking to himself about **_killing_** something!

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Fiinnneee….if I stayed…

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**Scenario: **Cain bathes and shaves, dresses in the holy pants of tightness and approaches rocking the fedora with his fine self…

**Difference: **BG schtupes the Tin man.

And they lived happily ever after.

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**Haha This scene was the first time the phrase, "Oh she had _better_ schtupe the Tin Man" left my mouth.**

**Okay, okay…so if I _didn't_ schtupe the Tin Man immediately (however unlikely that may be)…**

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**Scenario: **Cain goes all distant and stoic, his mood swinging back and forth from grief to frustration.

**Difference:** Okay, BG would have pounced on about _fifteen separate occasions_ during this scene.

His tormented gazes into the distance? His bending down in those pants? His angry declarations?

Pounced. Pounced. Annnnddd Pounced.

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**Scenario: **"Trust me, heart's got nothing to do with it…"

**Difference: **BG claps excitedly. "Now we're talkin! See? I _knew_ you'd snap out of it…I'm game for a piece of ass myself." BG grins ear to ear and hooks arms with a perturbed Cain as he tries to make his exit. "So which do you prefer to be? The dom or sub? Personally I love both so I'm good with whatever you're into…ooh, and do you have a lasso? You've got this whole _cowboy sex appeal_ thing going on and I gotta say I'd looovveee to get one of those ropes and…."

Cain's stops walking, his jaw dropping open as she spends the next five minutes listing off everything she'd like to accomplish before the end of the day.

Glitch faints behind the pair.

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But let's say for whatever reason I had behaved myself…

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**Scenario: **The group enters the Fields of the Papay.

**Difference:** BG would **not** have reached out toward the _obviously_ volatile substance stuck to the side of that tree. It had 'will eat your flesh off' written all over it.

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**Scenario: **BG spots a large, groaning mass smothered in the 'will eat your flesh off' substance.

**Difference:** For BG, all sanity and logic dictates that she does NOT want to see what's going on inside that cocoon. Cain explains that lovely little '_pre-digestive enzyme' _bit...

BG takes his gun and shoots whatever is inside to put it out of its misery.

Sorry, Raw. Them's the breaks LOL

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**If I _hadn't_ shot it…**

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**Scenario: **BG lets Raw out of the cocoon, he stands and reaches toward her, growling and snarling.

**Difference:** BG takes Cain's gun and shoots Raw.

Damn, Raw! LMAO I'm sorry but you just _weren't_ making a pleasant first impression! ha-ha

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**And if I _hadn't_ shot Raw…**

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**Scenario: **Cain points gun at Raw to 'protect' BG despite knowing the Viewer is all bark and no bite. He gives that "You want that bad attitude dripping out of your ears?" line.

**Difference:** While 'cowering' (_snort – what a sucker_) behind Cain, BG is _actually_ taking the opportunity to grope that apple ass and swoon. BG can no longer help herself and pounces Cain, wrestles him to the ground…is too involved in pulling off his clothes to notice the impending doom.

Papay **eat** BG and Cain.

The End.

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LOL See what that ass could do to a girl? Let this be a lesson learned.

**Okay, so if I _hadn't_ attacked Cain before the Papay did…**

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**Scenario: **Running from the Papay, the group reaches a cliff and has to make a decision…

**Difference:** BG is panic stricken after seeing something **_other_** than **_her_** biting so close to the ass of perfection. She quickly decides there is **no** **freaking** **way** she's going to die without schtuping the Tin Man.

BG sweeps both Raw **and** Glitch's legs and knocks them to the ground to give the papay a quick meal, grabs Tin Man and runs in other direction.

Screams to Cain as she drags him along, "We don't have to outrun the _papay_ – we just have to outrun _THEM_!"

Glitch? Raw? Sorry again, guys. These things happen Ha-ha

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Okay, so if I had instead jumped with the others…

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**Scenario:** Glitch and Cain explain to BG what a 'Viewer' is.

**Difference:** BG's eyes light up…"Raw? Have you ever heard of the magical land of _Las Vegas_?"

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**Scenario: **Cain gives his "trust no one" line but collapses at the most inopportune moment (come on, you know he was _pissed_…crying out in pain like that and falling to the ground _totally_ stole his thunder ha-ha)

**Difference: **Before Glitch can reach down to push the duster aside BG has knocked him out of the way.

**BG:** "I know what to do, I'm a…_nurse_…on the Other Side…yeah…" struggles to conceal evil smile. "Just lay back and relax, Cain…Nurse BG is gonna make it aaalllll better….there's a technique I can use that will take a great deal of time and energy…but I'm willing to try….Guys? We're gonna need some privacy…these pants will simply have to come off…"

Glitch and Raw leave.

(Screen fades to black, after a moment of rustling and grunting we hear Cain's dead-panned delivery of the line...)

"You know, BG…here in the OZ we just call this 'technique' of yours _sex_."

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LOL Poor Wyatt.

**To be continued….**


End file.
